Navigating Through the Grief of an Empty Nest

Until I experienced it for myself, I did not realize the grief that one experiences navigating through those first months of an empty nest.

Today I am sharing my own personal story of the grief I experienced at the start of my empty nest season, and the ultimate joy and comfort I received from the Lord during that time.  It is my hope that those of you who are about to enter into the empty nest phase, are going through it right now or have experienced it, will find something in this post that will resonate and encourage.

He will cover you with his feathers, 

and under his wings you will find refuge; 

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Psalm 91:4

The Joyous Season Before the Empty Nest 

Almost three years ago, due to circumstances beyond my daughter and son-in-law's control, they had to find a place to live in very short order.  As a result, they moved in with my husband and I.

I remember as my kids were moving in thinking, I need to cherish this season because it will be fleeting.   In particular, oddly enough, I found myself cherishing the metal shower caddy they bought, necessary for keeping the tub supplies of four adults.  I literally thought to myself, "I'm already not looking forward to the day that the shower caddy will leave signifying my children's departure.

And there were many other additions to our home to make it work for all of us.  The towel rack hanging over the bathroom door to give additional space for the extra bath towels; the rickety rolling wire shelf in the kitchen to make room for the kids extra food stuffs; my son-in-law's kayaks, canoes and all his stuff outside.

Not to mention the fact of a surprise addition in my sweet baby granddaughter complete with a nursery once again in our home, and a living room eventually filled with toys.

There was also reconfiguring that had to be done like the way our bedroom had to be rearranged to make room for my desk.

All of these additions and changes I truly cherished.

I never thought that my daughter and son-in-law would be living with us for almost three years, but I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father that they did!

The Echoes of an Empty Nest - Navigating through the Grief

As I embark on this journey as an empty nester, a journey which began just five days ago, the joys of having the kids live with us has actually added to the profoundness of my grief...

My house literally echoes now.  We have two rooms that are completely empty at the moment.

It dawned on me that one of the reasons you feel grief as a new empty nester is from the void left behind by your children no longer living with you.  Much in the same way a void is left when a  loved one you have lived with dies.  The emptiness of the space those special people once filled in your home amplifies the grief.  You keep expecting them to come around the corner, but they are not there anymore.  The pain washing over you once again...

When my daughter left for California years ago, I experienced a similar grief.   But at that time my son still lived at home which helped to temper my pain.

It was then that I discovered how I deal with this type of grief. I redecorate!  Yup, you read that right!  It wasn't a way of forgetting my daughter, but a way to cope with the painful memories that her room invoked when it looked exactly as it did when my daughter occupied the space.

Because I have been so busy helping my daughter get settled in her new home, I haven't even had a chance to start working on my own house.  And as painful as it is to still have these rooms empty.  {I know you are probably thinking, "Still empty?!  Karen, it's only been five days!"}  it may actually be a good thing, even though it runs contrary to how I grieve...

Just a few days before the kids flew out of the nest, which, by the way, was felt more profoundly because my spunky 20 month old granddaughter was part of the flight, I had read a blog post where the writer shared the following quote.

"The only way to get past the pain is to walk through it."

So the empty rooms allow me to walk through my pain - literally.  When the busyness of the day is over and the darkness settles in, that is when the sadness returns.  So I walk through the empty rooms and let the tears flow as I allow the memories to flood my mind...

Memories from my granddaughter's room... my family excitedly setting up the nursery; myself in the rocking chair, Lexi just days old; Lexi on the changing table, her happy place when she was months old; walking into Lexi's room after nap time seeing her sitting up in her crib; and coming in to get her first thing in the morning to see her standing in her crib bouncing up and down, chatting away, as she flashed me her cheeky smile; such cherished memories...

Memories from my daughter and son-in-law's room... sweet talks with my daughter; the many times my son-in-law walked out of their room just as I walked up the hall and I would jump because he scared me - he thought it was so funny; hearing my daughter and son-in-law laughing so hard as they watched a funny movie; watching my daughter's belly grow with my precious granddaughter, just to name a few... 

I will most especially miss hearing my granddaughter making her sweet, funny noises when she wakes up, hearing the pitter patter of her feet running all around the house, watching her walk past my room while I'm sitting at my desk and her saying "HI!" and the sweet leisurely mornings with my daughter, hanging out and talking while Lexi played.

The house is now deafeningly quiet, but the memories echo on...

Right after my my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter left to stay overnight in their new home for the first time, I did, in fact, rearrange furniture in my living room, and in the guest room where my kids stayed. I don't think they were gone more than three minutes and I got right to work!    I just couldn't bare seeing the living room empty of all the toys or the kids room set up the way they had it.

I don't think I realized that you can feel physical pain when you grieve, but I most definitely have! The first few nights I felt grief and a feeling inside of me that I can't even put into words.

Redecorating the Empty Nest

Last night I seemed to turn a corner; starting to get used to the house as it is now.  The new normal...

Weeks before the kids left, I tried to comfort myself by coming up with pros and cons of them leaving.  For me, of course, I had a lot of cons about them leaving.

I teased my son-in-law and said, "All the pros I've come up with for you guys leaving begin with Garrett".  lol!  All kidding aside,  I love that boy and all his stuff!  He has helped my husband and I so much with things around the house while he lived here, and I will be forever grateful.

So tonight I'm off to buy paint and supplies. I've already picked out my color schemes and bought some new curtains.   I also got a great deal on a corner desk with a hutch that will work wonderfully for my new office space.  It will be the perfect set up for blogging!

My dad keeps teasing me asking if I've got the room ready for he and my mom when they come visit from New Jersey. lol.

My husband now has the space to rearrange his office.  It came out great!  We are still trying to figure out how we will set up the family room.

I actually  laughed at myself the other day because by nine o'clock in the morning, I was already dressed, make-up was on, the dishwasher was running, the rooms were picked up and my bed was made.  I've turned into a cleaning freak!  Oh and right now I have pork chops cooking in the crock pot!

Who knows, this Empty Nester may become June Cleaver!

The God of all Comfort Understands the Grief of an Empty Nest

The Lord has been so gracious to me during this time.  Showing me again and again that He truly understands all that I am feeling and every tear that I am shedding.

I felt prompted to buy the devotional Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman, to begin reading on the very first empty nest day, and look at how the Lord ministered to me!

"There is a patience which I believe to be harder--the patience that can run. To lie down in the time of grief, to be quiet under the stroke of adverse fortune, implies a great strength; but I know of something that implies a strength greater still: It is the power to work under a stroke; to have a great weight at your heart and still to run; to have a deep anguish in your spirit and still perform the daily task. It is a Christlike thing!

Many of us would nurse our grief without crying if we were allowed to nurse it. The hard thing is that most of us are called to exercise our patience, not in bed, but in the street. We are called to bury our sorrows, not in lethargic quiescence, but in active service--in the exchange, in the workshop, in the hour of social intercourse, in the contribution to another's joy. There is no burial of sorrow so difficult as that; it is the "running with patience."

This was Thy patience, O Son of man! It was at once a waiting and a running--a waiting for the goal, and a doing of the lesser work meantime. I see Thee at Cana turning the water into wine lest the marriage feast should be clouded. I see Thee in the desert feeding a multitude with bread just to relieve a temporary want. All, all the time, Thou wert bearing a mighty grief, unshared, unspoken. Men ask for a rainbow in the cloud; but I would ask more from Thee. I would be, in my cloud, myself a rainbow -- a minister to others' joy. My patience will be perfect when it can work in the vineyard.

--George Matheson

When all our hopes are gone,

'Tis well our hands must keep toiling on

For others' sake:

For strength to bear is found in duty done;

And he is best indeed who learns to make

The joy of others cure his own heartache."

My Heavenly Father never ceases to amaze me!  Here was an entire entry about grief!  There I sat on my deck, on an unusually warm late October morning, feeling the warmth of the sun, and the warmth of my Lord and Savior envelope me while He said, "I hear you.  I see you.  I know your thoughts. AND I understand your feelings, better than you understand them yourself."

I felt such encouragement because the Holy Spirit was already leading me and strengthening me to run with patience as I served my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter in any way that I could during the move and unpacking process, despite my grief...

Oh what a merciful and gracious God I have!

I know that in the weeks and months ahead, life will seem normal again in this our empty nest.

In the meantime, I am so thankful to the Lord for answering my prayer in raising up a house for my daughter's family that is local - just 4 minutes from my own!; for a gracious daughter who has been so understanding during this time of adjustment always with an open door for me to come and see Lexi whenever I want; for the pride I feel in watching my daughter manage her own home; for a son-in-law who has offered to help us paint our newly empty rooms; and for time spent at my daughter's home enjoying her new cozy, sun-filled, cheerful place.

New normal yields new blessings...

For similar posts, please click on the following:

Empty Nest Redecorating Reveal

A Powerful Key Truth that will Unlock the Key to Happiness

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